I've decided to switch my blog over to Wordpress... just wanting something different I guess.
To get to the new blog, click here.
I'm going to keep this blog up for a little while, just to see how I like Wordpress and just in case I decide I don't like it. I don't want to loose any of you, so please follow me over there :)
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Friday, August 16, 2013
3 Years Later
Mon, Aug 12 was my 3 year Hysterversary... 3 years since that day when my whole world got ripped from underneath me. As those who know me have witnessed the past 3 years, I usually take this day and just go off the grid. My phone is turned off, I don't check it, I don't give anyone else much thought. I just focus on me. I focus on feeling all the emotions I have held inside over the past year - all the emotions that I haven't allowed myself to feel in fear of the wedge it would put in between myself and relationships or experiences and memories.
This year, I wasn't able to take the day off work. I have had to take several personal days the past month, and felt like asking for yet another day wouldn't be fair to the ladies I work for. On Sunday evening, I thought I'd be ok with this, but when I woke up on Monday I was immediately flooded with emotions - I think my heart equally looks forward too and despises this day. It plans on being able to feel and do whatever it needs to, without guilt ... but it also knows that feeling these emotions will be intensely painful.
When I got to my cubicle at work, there was a beautiful flower arrangement and card on my desk. It immediately brought tears to my eyes. They were from my friend/boss. The card had a message inside it, that she was going to celebrate this day - celebrate it because I was still here, when I easily couldn't have been. So many woman who suffer from Endometriosis, or other types of chronic pain, are unable to find the strength to keep moving forward, and they end their suffering with their own hands. When I went in to thank her, she cried with me and then said the message wasn't from her, she was just the messenger. I understood what she meant... Heavenly Father knew I wasn't open to hearing from Him, so He had to send His message through someone I would listen too.
Suffice it to say, not much work got done on Monday :) We spent the morning talking, and then we drove to Salt Lake for some of the best Gelato I've ever had!
When I got home from work I hopped on Facebook and found out about the deaths of two of the most wonderful people. Both I knew from High School. Mike Hammer graduated in my class, and was one of the most amazing people anyone could ever meet. I feel very lucky to have called him a friend for so many years, and even though I hadn't seen him since our graduation 10 years ago, his passing brought tears to my eyes. He is now a husband, and a father to a very young boy. The other passing was that of one of the football coaches, Coach Harnden. Throughout high school I was an athletic trainer and I was blessed to get to work with Coach for a few years. He was a really wonderful man who many where intimidated by, but who had a heart of gold. Hearing of these two deaths, the message I had been given earlier that day resonated with me throughout the evening.
I get it Heavenly Father - it's time I start being grateful and focusing on what I do have, and the blessings I have received. I felt like I'd done this pretty well, but on Monday I realized I could do so much better.
I have woken up each morning since my Hysterectomy knowing I wanted to move past what I'd lost, and try to find acceptance... but no matter what I tried, I could never break through that wall. I couldn't even make a crack in it. The experiences that followed over the few days following my 3 year Hysterversary are some that I will hold dear to my heart for as long as I live, they were deeply profound and spiritual moments for me. I'll be sharing that story sometime over the next few days...
This year, I wasn't able to take the day off work. I have had to take several personal days the past month, and felt like asking for yet another day wouldn't be fair to the ladies I work for. On Sunday evening, I thought I'd be ok with this, but when I woke up on Monday I was immediately flooded with emotions - I think my heart equally looks forward too and despises this day. It plans on being able to feel and do whatever it needs to, without guilt ... but it also knows that feeling these emotions will be intensely painful.
When I got to my cubicle at work, there was a beautiful flower arrangement and card on my desk. It immediately brought tears to my eyes. They were from my friend/boss. The card had a message inside it, that she was going to celebrate this day - celebrate it because I was still here, when I easily couldn't have been. So many woman who suffer from Endometriosis, or other types of chronic pain, are unable to find the strength to keep moving forward, and they end their suffering with their own hands. When I went in to thank her, she cried with me and then said the message wasn't from her, she was just the messenger. I understood what she meant... Heavenly Father knew I wasn't open to hearing from Him, so He had to send His message through someone I would listen too.
Suffice it to say, not much work got done on Monday :) We spent the morning talking, and then we drove to Salt Lake for some of the best Gelato I've ever had!
When I got home from work I hopped on Facebook and found out about the deaths of two of the most wonderful people. Both I knew from High School. Mike Hammer graduated in my class, and was one of the most amazing people anyone could ever meet. I feel very lucky to have called him a friend for so many years, and even though I hadn't seen him since our graduation 10 years ago, his passing brought tears to my eyes. He is now a husband, and a father to a very young boy. The other passing was that of one of the football coaches, Coach Harnden. Throughout high school I was an athletic trainer and I was blessed to get to work with Coach for a few years. He was a really wonderful man who many where intimidated by, but who had a heart of gold. Hearing of these two deaths, the message I had been given earlier that day resonated with me throughout the evening.
I get it Heavenly Father - it's time I start being grateful and focusing on what I do have, and the blessings I have received. I felt like I'd done this pretty well, but on Monday I realized I could do so much better.
I have woken up each morning since my Hysterectomy knowing I wanted to move past what I'd lost, and try to find acceptance... but no matter what I tried, I could never break through that wall. I couldn't even make a crack in it. The experiences that followed over the few days following my 3 year Hysterversary are some that I will hold dear to my heart for as long as I live, they were deeply profound and spiritual moments for me. I'll be sharing that story sometime over the next few days...
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Where Are You?
There are few things more hurtful than not being able to have your own children, few things more heartbreaking. But one thing comes awfully close. Not having the support from those you need it from the most.
I rarely mention my struggle in front of others, unless they ask me about it. I rarely insert it into conversation. Of course, there are times where it can't help but come up - like during normal conversation where it's necessary to say "Ya, if we adopt we would..." or "I obviously can't understand, but I can sympathize with..." etc. I can't really involve myself in talks about parenting dilemmas or pregnancy woes, what would I say?
One of the reasons I created this blog is because I need to be able to be honest about what this is really like. And don't get me wrong, I am EXTREMELY blessed to have a really wonderful support network. But there are people that I need to be supportive, that aren't. And that hurts. I don't want to be treated like I'm broken, but I do need to feel support. I need acknowledgement when it's obvious in these posts or on Facebook or wherever, that I'm struggling. I don't need everyone to do this. I need YOU to do this. I need to know that you are there, and aware, and trying to understand. I need you to show me you care. I need you to show me that you can break outside your world, and make an effort to be in mine - just for a few seconds every once in a while. This is painful, it's been the most heartbreaking experience of my life - and it's not getting any easier.
Where are you? Why do I not hear from you? Why do I get responses and messages from almost everyone except you when I'm struggling? And why do I have to post a depressing status or blog post in order to need this from you? I am NOT an attention hog, I hate attention... I will not ask this of you outright. I won't do this for several reasons... 1. I don't want love or support from those who don't want to give it, 2. I don't want the attention and the pity looks, 3. I don't want to be disappointed when nothing changes, or when it changes initially and then goes back to normal and 4. I'm just not convinced you really give a crap.
I understand no one really understands how to do this. I don't know how to do this. But everyday I wake up, I put on a smile, and I make an effort in the relationships I have in my life. I make big gestures, I make small ones. But it doesn't seem like any amount of effort will ever change things with you. I'm left giving support to you and getting no support back. I can't do that anymore. My heart is breaking..Every. Single. Day.
I know I'm not the only one with struggles, and I don't expect you (or anyone) to drop everything and make your world about me and mine. All I'm asking is that I hear from you every once in a while, and that you ask how I'm doing... I'll probably lie and tell you I'm great, but eventually I'll trust your question is sincere. And that's all I need. I just need to know you actually think about me sometimes, and that you are aware of what I'm going through.
I rarely mention my struggle in front of others, unless they ask me about it. I rarely insert it into conversation. Of course, there are times where it can't help but come up - like during normal conversation where it's necessary to say "Ya, if we adopt we would..." or "I obviously can't understand, but I can sympathize with..." etc. I can't really involve myself in talks about parenting dilemmas or pregnancy woes, what would I say?
One of the reasons I created this blog is because I need to be able to be honest about what this is really like. And don't get me wrong, I am EXTREMELY blessed to have a really wonderful support network. But there are people that I need to be supportive, that aren't. And that hurts. I don't want to be treated like I'm broken, but I do need to feel support. I need acknowledgement when it's obvious in these posts or on Facebook or wherever, that I'm struggling. I don't need everyone to do this. I need YOU to do this. I need to know that you are there, and aware, and trying to understand. I need you to show me you care. I need you to show me that you can break outside your world, and make an effort to be in mine - just for a few seconds every once in a while. This is painful, it's been the most heartbreaking experience of my life - and it's not getting any easier.
Where are you? Why do I not hear from you? Why do I get responses and messages from almost everyone except you when I'm struggling? And why do I have to post a depressing status or blog post in order to need this from you? I am NOT an attention hog, I hate attention... I will not ask this of you outright. I won't do this for several reasons... 1. I don't want love or support from those who don't want to give it, 2. I don't want the attention and the pity looks, 3. I don't want to be disappointed when nothing changes, or when it changes initially and then goes back to normal and 4. I'm just not convinced you really give a crap.
I understand no one really understands how to do this. I don't know how to do this. But everyday I wake up, I put on a smile, and I make an effort in the relationships I have in my life. I make big gestures, I make small ones. But it doesn't seem like any amount of effort will ever change things with you. I'm left giving support to you and getting no support back. I can't do that anymore. My heart is breaking..Every. Single. Day.
I know I'm not the only one with struggles, and I don't expect you (or anyone) to drop everything and make your world about me and mine. All I'm asking is that I hear from you every once in a while, and that you ask how I'm doing... I'll probably lie and tell you I'm great, but eventually I'll trust your question is sincere. And that's all I need. I just need to know you actually think about me sometimes, and that you are aware of what I'm going through.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Don't Be Cruel - Be Kind
A dear friend from high school and I have reconnected (yes, honey - this ones for you!). Through Facebook we've learned of each others health issues, and we've started talking again. Her health issues are very different from mine - but the "chronicness" of both of our issues have allowed us to feel we have someone who understands, and while I'm so frustrated that we each have had to deal with our bodies' betraying us, I'm grateful we've gotten back in touch and can be a support to one another. I love this lady, and we have tons of really great memories together during those 4 yrs of high school, so I'm excited that we can continue our friendship =)
Because of the things her body has been going through the past several years, she's had to endure two heartbreaking miscarriages the past few months. This isn't something she's announced to many - but her and her husband have shared this news with close family members. Unfortunately, this morning she received a text from a family member who is aware of the losses she's had to endure recently (and over the past several years). This particular family member is currently pregnant and due in just a few weeks.
Now, let me preface this with that I understand pregnancy isn't all roses. I understand that it can be hard, and scary, and highly uncomfortable. I understand these things to the extent that I've seen many of my loved ones have intensely risky and dangerous pregnancies - my own mother almost lost her life giving birth to my older brother. I get it. I can't imagine that growing a human being inside you couldn't be those things.
HOWEVER, complaining about these things to a chronically ill person is not ok. Why you ask? Well because the majority of chronically ill people already go through all this every. single. day. It's not over in 9 months for us. We don't get a baby at the end of our suffering. So to call, or text, or email, or talk to a woman who has just lost 2 babies, or a woman who will never get the blessing of carrying her own babies, is just about the most cruel thing you can do. What exactly do you expect us to say? How are we supposed to respond to that?
And whats even worse, is that it makes US feel guilty. We feel bad because we don't know how to respond to it. We feel bad that we get sad (for us) hearing these things. We feel frustrated, because there's really no way to respond to those types of comments that would protect ourselves without making us look like a complete and total bitch. And yet all we're trying to do is kindly remind that we're *probably* not the best person to be talking to about these things (how is it we're even in the running for this role at all?).
I understand it would be a bit harsh for me to say that I don't think a pregnant woman has the right to complain (except in the case where the pregnancy could put the mothers or babies lives in danger, than you have EVERY right to complain - notice the caps, underlining, boldness & italics for that one?). So even though I think it's pretty pathetic for a pregnant woman to complain about swollen ankles, an achy back, feeling fat, etc - all I'll ask is that if you feel the need to focus on these things instead of the fact that you get to experience the incredible miracle that's taking place beneath your hearth - just, please, DO NOT COMPLAIN TO US!!! There is nothing about coming to women like us, and complaining about everything that's been robbed from us, that makes sense to me. It's cruel, and mean and heartless.
Can you tell its got me pretty upset? There's my rant.
Now, if one of "us" ask how you're feeling - feel free to be honest. We've opened ourselves up for that, we have to be prepared for the response... and from experience, I can honestly say, that if we ask that question we've probably emotionally already spent lots of time inside our own head preparing for the conversation that will most likely follow. Just please remember, that even then.. when we're trying to be considerate, and genuinely interested, it's still painful for us to even talk about it. We will smile, and try to show genuine and sincere happiness for you - and we ARE happy for you, but we are also heartbroken for ourselves.
Because of the things her body has been going through the past several years, she's had to endure two heartbreaking miscarriages the past few months. This isn't something she's announced to many - but her and her husband have shared this news with close family members. Unfortunately, this morning she received a text from a family member who is aware of the losses she's had to endure recently (and over the past several years). This particular family member is currently pregnant and due in just a few weeks.
Now, let me preface this with that I understand pregnancy isn't all roses. I understand that it can be hard, and scary, and highly uncomfortable. I understand these things to the extent that I've seen many of my loved ones have intensely risky and dangerous pregnancies - my own mother almost lost her life giving birth to my older brother. I get it. I can't imagine that growing a human being inside you couldn't be those things.
HOWEVER, complaining about these things to a chronically ill person is not ok. Why you ask? Well because the majority of chronically ill people already go through all this every. single. day. It's not over in 9 months for us. We don't get a baby at the end of our suffering. So to call, or text, or email, or talk to a woman who has just lost 2 babies, or a woman who will never get the blessing of carrying her own babies, is just about the most cruel thing you can do. What exactly do you expect us to say? How are we supposed to respond to that?
And whats even worse, is that it makes US feel guilty. We feel bad because we don't know how to respond to it. We feel bad that we get sad (for us) hearing these things. We feel frustrated, because there's really no way to respond to those types of comments that would protect ourselves without making us look like a complete and total bitch. And yet all we're trying to do is kindly remind that we're *probably* not the best person to be talking to about these things (how is it we're even in the running for this role at all?).
I understand it would be a bit harsh for me to say that I don't think a pregnant woman has the right to complain (except in the case where the pregnancy could put the mothers or babies lives in danger, than you have EVERY right to complain - notice the caps, underlining, boldness & italics for that one?). So even though I think it's pretty pathetic for a pregnant woman to complain about swollen ankles, an achy back, feeling fat, etc - all I'll ask is that if you feel the need to focus on these things instead of the fact that you get to experience the incredible miracle that's taking place beneath your hearth - just, please, DO NOT COMPLAIN TO US!!! There is nothing about coming to women like us, and complaining about everything that's been robbed from us, that makes sense to me. It's cruel, and mean and heartless.
Can you tell its got me pretty upset? There's my rant.
Now, if one of "us" ask how you're feeling - feel free to be honest. We've opened ourselves up for that, we have to be prepared for the response... and from experience, I can honestly say, that if we ask that question we've probably emotionally already spent lots of time inside our own head preparing for the conversation that will most likely follow. Just please remember, that even then.. when we're trying to be considerate, and genuinely interested, it's still painful for us to even talk about it. We will smile, and try to show genuine and sincere happiness for you - and we ARE happy for you, but we are also heartbroken for ourselves.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
My Stupid Line
The last few days I've been pretty immobile. About two weeks ago I started having a very weird pain in my lower back, but was able to get it under contract within a day or two. This time, I can't get it under control. I don't know WHAT the deal is. All I know is that I'm frustrated, and pissed, because I was starting to feel really pretty good again. It seems like right before I get all my ducks lined up, a grenade comes and blows up my line. Stupid frickin' line, and stupid frickin' grenade!
I hate that my husband has to deal with this, I hate that he's stuck living this life with me. A life he really didn't sign up for. Yes, he know I had some health issues - but I never would have imagined the turn it's taken. I'm so so blessed in so many ways, we both are. But today it just feels so unfair, today I just want to be a healthy, dependable wife.
I hate that my husband has to deal with this, I hate that he's stuck living this life with me. A life he really didn't sign up for. Yes, he know I had some health issues - but I never would have imagined the turn it's taken. I'm so so blessed in so many ways, we both are. But today it just feels so unfair, today I just want to be a healthy, dependable wife.
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