Saturday was my father-in-laws birthday. In an attempt to celebrate, I cooked dinner and we had a small family dinner. It's an unusual thing, as my husbands family isn't really into celebrating birthdays or holidays - at least not in the way I'm used to. I can count on one hand the number of times we've all sat together for dinner in the almost 3 years my husband and I have been together.
We've been fairly lucky up til now... the only sibling of either of ours that was having babies was my brother and his wife, and they live a whole state away. We rarely see them. And while I hate that I never see my nieces and nephew, I've realized that it was a tender mercy to not be in the thick of all the pregnancies and newborns. But last year, my husbands sister announced she was pregnant, and his brother announced that his girlfriend was pregnant. I knew then that our lucky streak had run out. We were now going to be thrown right into the middle of what being childless really feels like.
My husbands' sister isn't really involved with the family, even though she lives less than 5 minutes from us. I only ever saw her once during her pregnancy, and we've yet to even meet the baby that was born a month ago. But his brothers girlfriend is another story. We do see them somewhat regularly, and they happened to show up to the dinner for my father-in-law. They are due 2 days before my 27th birthday... so about 11 days from today. She's all baby.
I knew that my brother-in-law wasn't the most sensitive person (I don't know that he's ever acknowledged my poor health or our loss), so I knew that I was going to need to have a thick skin to get through the dinner. And indeed I did. From the minute we walked in, he kept asking questions for my mother-in-law to answer about the labor and delivery. They kept making a big deal every time the baby would move, kept talking about all the things they've experienced during the last 9 months. I could tell my mother-in-law was trying to be involved in the conversation, but not encourage it. Her and I have had a couple very heart-felt talks, and she knows how heartbroken I am, and how hard it is for me to be around pregnant women... ironically, our first real talk about this was after I'd gone with her to the baby shower.
The hardest part was when everyone circled around and put their hands on the baby, waiting to see or feel her move inside her mommy. This was beyond difficult to watch. I kept trying to smile and show excitement for them, but most of the evening I just stared out the window... praying for the night to go faster.
I've said repeatedly since my surgery that I don't want to be treated differently. I don't want to be treated like I'm broken, or could fall apart at any moment. I don't want anyone to feel like they have to walk on eggs shells around me. But the truth is, I do feel as if I could fall apart at any moment. And I realized this weekend that I do need others to be a little sensitive to my feelings and my heartbreak. It's a hard thing to swallow, it makes me feel weak. I pray that in the next 11 days, I can muster enough strength to be able to go to the hospital to visit them after the baby is born. I know my husband wants to go as soon as they are ready. I want to go and genuinely feel happy for them, I know that I will, but I want to feel happy for them more than I'll feel sad for myself... and right now, I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to do that.
