It's been just over 19 months since my hysterectomy. Some people may think that's long enough to have it still being such a part of someones life - my response to them would be that they must still have their uterus, or at least didn't loose it in the way that I did. This is a pain that I'll never get over, and I know that it will never go away. I do believe that the pain is different for someone who got to have even one child before their surgery, then for those of us that didn't. I don't know if I'd say it's a worse pain, but it's definitely a different pain. And I hesitate to say that even those women could understand this heartbreak.
I had a really bad night last night, an unimaginable amount pain took over my body and I had a migraine worse than any I'd had before. I went to bed early. This morning, I'm trying hard to see the positives and the beauty in life. When I think that my pain is simply always going to be like this - it's hard to comprehend. And yet, I know that I have it so much better than so many others.
We were at our tax appt earlier this week, we were asking her how me not working this year was going to affect next years taxes... and of course, she started asking questions about my health, this then led to her telling us the story of her best friend from 20 years ago. She was murdered, for her baby. She had felt she'd been being followed, so would call her husband (who is in the military - they lived on base) anytime she left the house, etc. She was 39 weeks pregnant and leaving her OB/GYN's office when the lady kidnapped her. When her husband didn't get a call after the appt, he alert the MP's and they immediately started searching for her. The hospitals in the area were put on alert. 3 hours later a woman walked into a hospital with a new born baby, adamant that she had just given birth, but would not allow herself to be checked. They knew this was the baby that they'd been searching for, and immediately apprehended her. They found the mother dead, the women had done a c-section and then left her there to bleed out. As she's telling us this story, tears started streaming down my face. I've had my moments when I've felt incredibly desperate for a baby, but I don't understand how anyone could ever become so desperate that they do something like this to another human being.
Later that evening, 19 Kids and Counting was on.. the season finale where they lost baby Jubilee. I'd thought many times before that I'd never want to have to go through loosing a baby like that. That if it was that option or the option I got, I'm glad I got the one I did. And I realized while watching that show that it's true. I never could handle that. And I suddenly, for just a moment, was thankful that I got the struggle that I did instead of the alternative.
I feel this week that my lesson is that things can always be worse. No matter how much pain I'm in, or how much my heart breaks, things can always be so much worse than they are. Knowing that doesn't lessen the pain I feel in my heart every second, it doesn't lessen the pain in my body, but it does allow me to see some of the beauty that surrounds me - it allows me to take a minute and be thankful that I'm not struggling in other ways. I know, with every fiber of my being, that this pain is never going to leave me. My heart will always break when I see a baby, when I see the beauty that is a pregnant woman, when I see pictures on Pinterest or Facebook of pregnancy. I know that every time I hear another family member or friend is pregnant, there will be a deep stab to my heart before there will be excitement for them.. and tears will most likely follow. I know that it's unlikely I'll ever meet someone who truly understands the deep, agonizing heartbreak this brings to a life. And I know that I'll likely forget this lessen as the bad days continue to pile up, and the heartbreak continues to grow as family continues to announce pregnancies and grow their families. But such is life, right? The best any of us can do is take it one day at a time. So that's what I'll do.
