Yesterday was a bad day. I felt angry, I felt bitter, and I felt so upset with the realization that there's not a very big chance that I'll ever know what it's like to be healthy.
I spoke to my Rheumy on Monday, she was shocked to learn that the "Meth" pack helped. Fibromyalgia doesn't respond to that medication at all, so it was one more sure sign to her that we're dealing with something else on top of the Fibro. At that time, I hadn't had any blood in my bowels again (other than those 4 days a week ago). But yesterday, I did. It wasn't as much as the first two days of the last "episode" but it was more than the last two days. I had felt so hopeful after talking with my Rheumy earlier in the week, I had felt like we were truly getting somewhere... like there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. She had ordered some more blood work, specifically to run a newer test that is more conclusive when it comes to Rheumatoid Arthritis. Then to see the blood yesterday morning, and realize that even if we get the joint & muscle pain figured out, there may be a whole new beast to uncover, just sent me over the edge. I tried so very hard to stay positive after my hysterectomy. I never blamed God... I remember never allowing my mind to go that direction, and it rarely wanted to. Regardless of what had been taken, I still felt blessed because I was going to get my health back and if I could do that, then adoption may not be such a far-fetched thing, and maybe, just maybe, I could raise a child - even though I'd never carry one. But that seems to keep getting farther and farther from the reality of our future. If my health continues to decline, I can't adopt a baby. And who would pick us anyways? I sure as heck wouldn't pick an unhealthy women and a workaholic husband to be my babys' family.
So what was the point of all of it? When the doc said it was time for a hysterectomy, no more putting it off with hope of things turning around, I prayed to Heavenly Father... I prayed for peace in whatever direction He felt was right to take. Both my husband and I felt an overwhelming answer that we couldn't wait, that a hysterectomy was needed with as much urgency as the doctor had proclaimed. So I trusted in Him, and I trusted that the surgery would turn things around for us. But as the months have gone by, I've realized, that wasn't the deal at all. I never asked Him to promise that I'd be healthy afterwards, I just asked Him to bring me peace with the decision to have the surgery if it was in fact needed. And He did that. So why do I feel like He's hung me out to dry? I feel like I'm some gullible school girl who got tricked into trusting in Him. Had I known that I wouldn't be any healthier after the surgery than before, I never would have had that surgery. I never would have gone through that recovery - which was pure, agonizing hell. I did it all so that when we adopted, our children would have a HEALTHY mother. And all thats gone now.
It's hitting me, the reality of what our future looks like. And it's still so much more blessed than so many others get, and I am grateful for that. But I just want to scream "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" ... I did everything right. I never drank, I never did drugs, I didn't sleep around, I didn't cheat for better grades, I was a true friend, I was a loyal daughter, I gave Him thanks for all my blessings - even in the heat of despair. And I've gotten nothing to show for it except an empty womb and scars and prescription bottles.
Everyone tells me how strong I am.. I wonder if they'd really think that if they knew how much I struggle without voicing it. Thats what I want this blog to be. I don't want to edit things out so people can continue to think well of me. I just want to feel free to be me... I want to be able to express my bad days, the days when people would be shocked to hear the things that come into my head - the anger, the heartbreak, the hopelessness... and I want to be able to celebrate the good days - when I feel hopeful, and protected, and every bit as strong as the woman as everyone seems to think I am.
