I had a major melt down today. Yesterday and today I've been in a lot of pain and have been stuck in bed, only getting up to go to the restroom really. I've had a lot of time to really research RA, and spend some time on the websites. It's terrifying to read some posts about what my life *could* become. I do not want to be sick for the rest of my life, I don't want to deal with this pain. I'm trying hard to find anything that I can adjust in my life to make this easier... but the fear of what I could turn into is frightening. To look at the pictures of some of the people whose RA has become aggressive is a scary, scary thing. To not know how quickly mine is progressing, of how much time I have to turn things around (if thats even possible). I want to be one of those women who never complains, who takes it all with grace and gratitude - but I'm not sure I have the strength to be that type of person - at least not today.
I have a friend who is going through treatments for brain tumors, and another who currently sits at home with a feeding tube. When I compare my trials, I know everything could be SO much worse than it is. I am trying hard today to remember the blessings we've been given, I know they are great. But sometimes, when you stop looking at it piece by piece and look at the big picture instead, it all becomes too much. I'm scared, really really scared. I am a prisoner in my own body. No matter what I do, there's no escaping this. I'm being held captive, having pretty much no control over how this changes my story - whatever happens, whatever damage is done to my joints, is something I just have to accept.
Tomorrow I hope I'll be back to my positive, happy self - being able to take it a day at a time.
But for today... I'm overwhelmed, I'm helpless and I'm scared.
