As some of you may know, my family and I have known Kody and Meri Brown (from the TLC show, "Sisterwives") personally for quiet some time. In fact, our families have been close since before I was even born... since about the time my mom was 12. I know whats going on in your head... so to answer your question, no my family is not polygamist. We knew the Barbers (Meri's family) since before they moved to Utah and began living the polygamist life style and faith.
Why am I telling you this? Well because, just as so many other people, I watch Sisterwives religiously, and although we usually know the outcome of any struggles they've had or issues that have come up before the episodes air, one of the topics still hits close to home every time it's brought up. Meri's inability to have more children.
The last few episodes that have aired have really gotten to me. The episodes have really tug deep into Meri's struggle to decide how to move forward with regards to Robyns offer to surrogate for her, or move forward with IVF, or simply to accept that one child is all she'll ever have. I've struggled as I've sat and watched the pressure put on Meri by her family and the emotional tole it's taken on her.
I was telling my mom the other day, as we were discussing Meri and her situation, how strongly I feel that more people need to understand the difference between having a child and raising a child. When a woman says "I am unable to HAVE children", most people hear "I am unable to RAISE children" ... which is why so many default to the response "you can always adopt" or "well you have nieces and nephews, just love them a little more." So many forget to hear that very important word. HAVE. For a woman like me, like Meri, it's not the loss of raising a child that we're mourning necessarily. It's the loss of not being able to HAVE a child. Not being able to conceive and carry for 9 months, a child that we would then raise. If we were simply mourning the loss of raising a child, I believe the "fix" would be much easier. But there is no solution, no replacement, for a woman who can no longer HAVE children.
I've struggled greatly watching these past few episodes while Meri has been discussing with her family her struggle to make a decision regarding the surrogacy or the IVF. First of all, surrogacy - while a beautiful gift - is not a solution to Meri not being able to have a child. She still isn't having one. She's watching another women have her child, which to me, may almost be just as devastating as not being able to have her own at all. And while I do, some days, struggle to understand the loss that women who struggle with infertility treatments feel (because, after all, they at least still get to try) ... I think that disregarding that struggle is completely cruel. It may be easy for someone on the outside to say "whats your problem, you have a CHOICE, why are you acting like you don't?" but they don't truly understand (I don't believe anyone can who hasn't been through it) the heartache, the ups and downs, the endless sleepless nights, the strain on a marriage, etc that going through fertility treatments cause in a life. It's not a simple choice. And it shouldn't be. And I feel bad for anyone who feels they can sit and judge a woman who isn't sure she wants to put herself through that. No one has a right to judge a womans decision regarding these issues, and I've been amazed at Meris' strength while she's tried desperately to find the right answer for herself, and her family.
I guess I just wish that more people would recognize the difference, and truly listen to the words a women uses when she states she can't have children.
