Welcome to 2013 everyone. Can you believe we've all survived the end of the world? I'm so proud of us all. Way to go Team!!! =)
Well the last month has been interesting. It's had it's highs and lows, such is life, right?
The highs and lows all surround around one specific event. My brother had a pretty serious surgery a few weeks ago. As soon as I heard he was having it, I volunteered to tend his 4 kids while he and his wife focused on his recovery. Most thought I was crazy for even considering it, I thought I would finally have a chance to make some memories with my nieces and nephew, and maybe play "mom" for a few days. I couldn't wait. I spent hours on Pinterest pinning kids activities and fun meal ideas. I had a binder specifically prepared for it. Each meal lined out. Every activity organized and scheduled (with flexibility, of course!)
I was so proud when, on the very first day, I had the kids dressed, fed, and in the car - with me fully dressed, all make-up on, and hair done, and on our way to Wal-Mart by 11am. I texted my mom I was so thrilled, and my brother and his wife said they were seriously impressed. I was ecstatic I totally had this. Easy-peasy lemon squeezy. YA RIGHT!
The kids themselves were great... we had a blast, and I didn't have any problems then normal sibling rivalry and bedtime issues. Nothing out of the norm or that I wasn't expecting. I "super nannied" the majority of the time, and it worked like a charm. I even heard my oldest niece (5 yrs) whisper to my oldest nephew (3 yrs) through their bedroom door, AFTER I had sternly told them to get into bed again that "I just love having Aunt Amber here, she's so much fun." Made my night (and I seriously questioned if they were taking me seriously after that, LOL). I was in heaven, totally in my realm. Couldn't get enough of all this "parenthood" stuff. Never had I felt more at peace, never had I known more clearly that I was meant to be a mom. I was eating this stuff up, even the exhausting stuff like telling them a million times every night to go to bed. It was bliss.
Unfortunately, 3 days in, my body was done. I became really sick with a sinus infection, and some virus that was going around, and my body just gave up. I'd had the flu since Thanksgiving, but no one felt I was contagious anymore and I had, for the most part, kept the vomiting under control - so I didn't let that factor in very much with my decision. Unfortunately, and fortunately, I have a mother and husband that are huge "take care of yourself" activists (at least when it comes to me, they rarely take their own advice), so my mom who was up visiting my brother at the hospital marched me straight to an Urgent Care. The doctor there was NOT happy with me, and ordered me to go home immediately. Said that if I kept going, I'd be getting admitted to the hospital. He said my body just couldn't take it, and that I was running myself into the ground. I knew he was right, but I had been so looking forward to playing the awesome aunt for another 10 days that I was completely heartbroken. I felt like I was disappointing everyone. Especially my brother and his wife, and those kids. They had planned for me to be there. I had told them I'd be fine, despite their best effort to convince me they could find someone else.
I was stupid. I was prideful. I was wrong. I have to come to terms that my body ISN'T the body that it used to be. I have to realize I have limitations now. I have to take control of it. I have to accept it. This is something that is very hard to do. Every single day, it's hard. I miss my job SO much. I miss telling my husband I can help with something, and actually being able to help him. I miss being depended on. I miss having independence. I miss being able to work out twice a day and still go out with friends after a full day a work ... all in the same day. Hell, I miss being able to do the dishes, watch some TV, take care of my horse, walk my dog, and go grocery shopping LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, all in the same day. I miss being able to do all of it on only 6 hrs of sleep. I miss going to bed at 2am, and waking up at 6am for work... and being able to stay awake until I go to bed again that night at midnight. I miss my life. I keep thinking I have control of it, I keep thinking I've come to grips with it. But I haven't. I hate that I'm disappointing everyone. They say I'm not, but I am. My body is my biggest disappointment in life, and it's the one thing I can never get rid of. I'm stuck with it, I'm at it's beckon call. I'm at it's mercy. I can take as good of care of it as I'm able, but it won't matter. It never does.
So, after telling my brother and his wife what the doctor had said, they ordered me to go home. I was essentially "kicked out" of their house. I drove home that night with my mom. I was put on "bed rest" (at least it felt that way) by my mom (my husband, who was out of town, was thrilled someone was forcing me to stop for more than 5 mins). It's been a few weeks now, and I'm still fighting the sinus infection, although it's gotten much better. I still think I have a bit of the virus, although it's gotten much better too. The only thing that is still completely debilitating is the fatigue. I am exhausted. I go to bed most nights around 11pm or 10pm, wake up once around 9am, and then fall straight back to sleep until around 1pm or 2pm. And I'm still completely exhausted. The cold isn't helping, it's absolutely freezing here. And every time I go outside, my pain just radiates through me. The doc told me it'd take some time, that I had to continue resting even when I didn't feel like my body was still recovering. Right now I don't have a choice but to rest, my body just won't allow me to do much else.
