After a weird turn of events, and not at all out of choice, my husband and I ended up eating at Applebee's for Christmas Eve dinner. That act alone made this past Christmas hard. I grew up with traditions, and family, and lots of noise at Christmas time. And I loved every single minute of it. When I think back on my childhood Christmas's I think of perfection. We had people everywhere, and I do mean everywhere. Grandparents to newborn babies. Honestly, I don't think kids could dream of a happier way to spend the holidays.
Every Christmas I remember ending the night dreaming of the time that the house would be full of MY kids and their kids, and maybe even their kids LOL.
So as my husband and I sat across from each other on Christmas Eve, and looked around the restaurant, we were in a bit of disbelief. I just couldn't believe this was how we were spending our holiday.
This past year has exhausted both of us. Well, the past 3 years have exhausted us. But this past year has been hard in that we've struggled in ways we really never thought we would struggle. We've been lucky to have a select few that have risen up and helped us through it, and we've been saddened and heartbroken at the ones we thought would, but didn't. So this holiday season has been a bit sweet, but more bitter.
While we sat there, waiting for our food, it became silent between us. After a few minutes I looked up at my husband and could see a pain in his eyes that I have rarely seen him let through before. He quietly asked "Is this gonna be our life?" ... I looked at him for a few seconds, and then replied softly "I don't know." I think we both allowed the truth to penetrate us in that moment. If we do not adopt, we will be alone, just the two of us, for the rest of our lives. And as our siblings grow older, and have holidays to attend with their own children and grandchildren, we will have no one.
Talk about pressure.
