Mon, Aug 12 was my 3 year Hysterversary... 3 years since that day when my whole world got ripped from underneath me. As those who know me have witnessed the past 3 years, I usually take this day and just go off the grid. My phone is turned off, I don't check it, I don't give anyone else much thought. I just focus on me. I focus on feeling all the emotions I have held inside over the past year - all the emotions that I haven't allowed myself to feel in fear of the wedge it would put in between myself and relationships or experiences and memories.
This year, I wasn't able to take the day off work. I have had to take several personal days the past month, and felt like asking for yet another day wouldn't be fair to the ladies I work for. On Sunday evening, I thought I'd be ok with this, but when I woke up on Monday I was immediately flooded with emotions - I think my heart equally looks forward too and despises this day. It plans on being able to feel and do whatever it needs to, without guilt ... but it also knows that feeling these emotions will be intensely painful.
When I got to my cubicle at work, there was a beautiful flower arrangement and card on my desk. It immediately brought tears to my eyes. They were from my friend/boss. The card had a message inside it, that she was going to celebrate this day - celebrate it because I was still here, when I easily couldn't have been. So many woman who suffer from Endometriosis, or other types of chronic pain, are unable to find the strength to keep moving forward, and they end their suffering with their own hands. When I went in to thank her, she cried with me and then said the message wasn't from her, she was just the messenger. I understood what she meant... Heavenly Father knew I wasn't open to hearing from Him, so He had to send His message through someone I would listen too.
Suffice it to say, not much work got done on Monday :) We spent the morning talking, and then we drove to Salt Lake for some of the best Gelato I've ever had!
When I got home from work I hopped on Facebook and found out about the deaths of two of the most wonderful people. Both I knew from High School. Mike Hammer graduated in my class, and was one of the most amazing people anyone could ever meet. I feel very lucky to have called him a friend for so many years, and even though I hadn't seen him since our graduation 10 years ago, his passing brought tears to my eyes. He is now a husband, and a father to a very young boy. The other passing was that of one of the football coaches, Coach Harnden. Throughout high school I was an athletic trainer and I was blessed to get to work with Coach for a few years. He was a really wonderful man who many where intimidated by, but who had a heart of gold. Hearing of these two deaths, the message I had been given earlier that day resonated with me throughout the evening.
I get it Heavenly Father - it's time I start being grateful and focusing on what I do have, and the blessings I have received. I felt like I'd done this pretty well, but on Monday I realized I could do so much better.
I have woken up each morning since my Hysterectomy knowing I wanted to move past what I'd lost, and try to find acceptance... but no matter what I tried, I could never break through that wall. I couldn't even make a crack in it. The experiences that followed over the few days following my 3 year Hysterversary are some that I will hold dear to my heart for as long as I live, they were deeply profound and spiritual moments for me. I'll be sharing that story sometime over the next few days...
