There are few things more hurtful than not being able to have your own children, few things more heartbreaking. But one thing comes awfully close. Not having the support from those you need it from the most.
I rarely mention my struggle in front of others, unless they ask me about it. I rarely insert it into conversation. Of course, there are times where it can't help but come up - like during normal conversation where it's necessary to say "Ya, if we adopt we would..." or "I obviously can't understand, but I can sympathize with..." etc. I can't really involve myself in talks about parenting dilemmas or pregnancy woes, what would I say?
One of the reasons I created this blog is because I need to be able to be honest about what this is really like. And don't get me wrong, I am EXTREMELY blessed to have a really wonderful support network. But there are people that I need to be supportive, that aren't. And that hurts. I don't want to be treated like I'm broken, but I do need to feel support. I need acknowledgement when it's obvious in these posts or on Facebook or wherever, that I'm struggling. I don't need everyone to do this. I need YOU to do this. I need to know that you are there, and aware, and trying to understand. I need you to show me you care. I need you to show me that you can break outside your world, and make an effort to be in mine - just for a few seconds every once in a while. This is painful, it's been the most heartbreaking experience of my life - and it's not getting any easier.
Where are you? Why do I not hear from you? Why do I get responses and messages from almost everyone except you when I'm struggling? And why do I have to post a depressing status or blog post in order to need this from you? I am NOT an attention hog, I hate attention... I will not ask this of you outright. I won't do this for several reasons... 1. I don't want love or support from those who don't want to give it, 2. I don't want the attention and the pity looks, 3. I don't want to be disappointed when nothing changes, or when it changes initially and then goes back to normal and 4. I'm just not convinced you really give a crap.
I understand no one really understands how to do this. I don't know how to do this. But everyday I wake up, I put on a smile, and I make an effort in the relationships I have in my life. I make big gestures, I make small ones. But it doesn't seem like any amount of effort will ever change things with you. I'm left giving support to you and getting no support back. I can't do that anymore. My heart is breaking..Every. Single. Day.
I know I'm not the only one with struggles, and I don't expect you (or anyone) to drop everything and make your world about me and mine. All I'm asking is that I hear from you every once in a while, and that you ask how I'm doing... I'll probably lie and tell you I'm great, but eventually I'll trust your question is sincere. And that's all I need. I just need to know you actually think about me sometimes, and that you are aware of what I'm going through.
