I start Grief Group Counseling in 2 weeks, I'm so excited! I've been going to grief counseling independently, just me and my amazing counselor Aimee, but this will be the first time ever that I've gone to anything like a group counseling session before. Most of the people that will be there will have lost a spouse or a child, I'm the only one who is grieving the fact that I never even got to have a child to begin with. It's funny how excited I am for this, seriously... I feel like I'll have a life line finally. No one understands this. I have a friend who had a hysterectomy just a few months after me, but even she got to have a baby before she had her surgery. I don't have anyone who understands what this pain feels like, it's so empty and yet it consumes all of me every second of every day. I don't know if there's enough words to describe the emptiness of knowing that your femininity is being maintained only by pharmaceuticals, of knowing that you'll never pass on your eyes (of which both your mother and grandmother have).. of knowing that my husband will never pass on his strong hands or his tall build. Our legacy, in the way of genes and bloodlines, ends with us. I get that some reading this may be thinking "there's more to parenthood than genes and bloodlines" and "blood means nothing" and maybe your right... but to someone who will never know the difference, blood means a lot. Having my baby layed on my chest the second after she's born, seeing my husbands chin and my nose... thats something I'll never have, it's something my husband will never have for the pure reason that he choose me. He choose me, and he lost this amazing experience. My stomach is still bigger than normal, I tell myself and others it's because I'm still swollen from the scar tissue (ha, yea right, it's been over a year!), but I know that it's really because I've gained weight (thank you surgical menopause, you're a peach, really.) ... but sometimes, I find myself placing my hands on my tummy like I would if I were pregnant... but I'm not, and I'll never be, and my stomach will only ever be big because I've put on a few stubborn pounds, not because I've got a life growing inside me. My body has failed me in the ultimate way. Women are supposed to have babies, that's what we're here for, that's why we have to go through all the crap like periods and hormones, because we eventually get a beautiful baby.. but not me. I went through it all for nothing.
Last week I decided that the next time someone asks me why we don't have kids yet, my replay is going to be "because God didn't want me to have kids"... it's how I feel, why not be honest? And I know it'll stop them dead in their tracks and make them realize it's really known of their damn business. I know people mean well, but I never realized how many things people say that can be so offensive to others, and don't get me wrong, I don't think people need to walk around on egg shells, but I do think people need to realize that what society deems as "normal" isn't always normal to everyone else.
Anyways, that's my two cents today... I'm going to go back to not being able to sleep, and listening to some of my favorite songs... it always seems to help my heart.
