Sorry I've been MIA for 13 days. Our lives took a very unexpected turn and our lives have been forced into a whirlwind. Long story short, last week we had to move everything into storage and vacate our rental due to excessive water damage. My husband and I packed a bag each and took up residence in my husbands brother and sister-in-laws basement. Then on Thursday, I drove me and our dog up to my moms which is about an hour away. Husband will stay at his brothers, and I'll most likely stay at my moms until we find something to move into. It's not ideal, and it has really thrown us for a loop, but I'm just grateful we have family willing to take us in until we figure out what we're going to do.
Because of this huge curve ball, I haven't had access to the internet very often and have found it hard to even check my email, let alone sit down and update blogs.
On other news, my brother-in-law and his girlfriend had a beautiful baby girl last week. We went to visit them at the hospital, and I was blessed with the ability to feel extremely happy for them. I didn't shed a tear once, still haven't. Not sure if this is just because I'm dealing with so many other stresses that I haven't really been able to give much thought to it, or if I'm really feeling stronger about everything. She is the sweetest little baby, and when I look at her, I find myself wondering if she looks anything like what our babies would have looked like. She has features that are for sure from my husbands family - it makes me sad to think that we'll never know.
When we were packing up our house on Saturday, I found my baby books... not to brag, but I was pretty much a cute baby LOL. I had tons of black hair and big eyes... I wonder if our daughters would have had those same features. I wonder if our little boys would have gotten the distinct brow line that runs so heavy on my husbands side. If they would be built like their daddy and uncles... tall and strong with broad shoulders and large strides, or if they would have taken the shorter leaner build that men on my side of the family tend to have.
The fact that we will never know any of this, haunts me. I think about it constantly. Especially when I'm holding a baby that most definitely looks like his or her parents... I find myself sad that we'll never get to look at our baby and say which one of us he/she looks most like. Instead I'll be sitting across from a birth mother, possibly never even meeting the birth father, wondering which features will be prominent in our child. If it will be painfully obvious they aren't ours by blood.
This is just one more thing that I'll have to come to peace with if I ever get healthy enough for us to adopt. It's just one more thing I have no control over. I understand that sometimes even biological children look nothing like their birth parents... my brother and I, although we are full siblings, couldn't look more different than each other, while my half sister and I share a resemblance. I understand that us having our own biological children, doesn't guarantee they would have inherited any of the features I wish so badly we could pass on... but at least it was likely. At least there was a chance.
