So, we still haven't found a new place to live. We've fallen in love with a couple, but they are always taken before we can put a deposit down... even though I'm looking every 2 hrs and my husband is calling on them immediately. It feels like our luck just keeps running out.
We've been staying with family for 2 weeks now, and I'm over it already. Don't get me wrong, I feel incredibly blessed to have family that is willing to allow us to inconvenience them, and I always LOVE getting time with my mom, but when I realize that I literally have no place to "be home", it's hard.
Yesterday was an emotional day. My brother texted that him and his wife had found out that they are having another girl. She is due in September.
My mom is part of a local horse riding club, they travel and perform at rodeos and parades. It's very cool and I'm beyond thrilled she's finally doing something for herself. She seems to really love it, and I'm so happy for her. But yesterday, after they were done practicing, we went in to have dinner (they supply it after every practice) and one of the guys had 3 kids. My mom told him he didn't look old enough to have 3 little ones, he replied that he was "old" and when my mom asked him how old, he said 29. Thats my husbands age, and we still don't even have one. That made me cringe a little. Then we were sitting with two ladies, and they kept talking about how last year they were pregnant and fat... and, I don't know if you could call it complaining necessarily, but they kept talking about how their clothes didn't fit and how they still hadn't lost their baby weight. I would die to be fat because I was pregnant.
I just feel like we can't catch a break, and my patience is growing thin for those that complain about being able to live the life that I can't. And I hate that, thats not me. Thats just not who I am. I'm always happy for others, regardless of what I'm going through... so this feels foreign to me. I hate it.
I wish I was still working, I loved my job. It kept me busy, and feeling like I had something to do with my life. Now I just feel useless. Everyday I wake up around 10 or 11, my body is so incredibly sore for the first hour or so... it's hard to find a reason to get in the shower or get dressed. What would be the point? I have nothing to do. And yet at the same time, having things to do adds stress, because usually it causes my pain to flare.
Alot of people have health problems, but the chronic health issues is what really robs a life. If you can still go to school, go to work, participate in hobbies - you've got it made. I would do anything to have been able to finish college, to continue working, to be able to ride my horses like I used to be able to. Somedays, walking just a 1/8 of a mile puts me in severe pain. Most days its impossible to get comfortable, even on the softest of couches. Sitting in regular dining room chairs or bar stools makes me cringe. It just hurts too bad.
What most people dont' understand is that those of us that suffer from chronic pain put on a fake smile. I will fake feeling good around my loved ones, or our in public, before I'll ever admit that I need to take a break. I don't want the attention, I dont' want the looks of sadness. I just want to live my life like I used to. So many people think that because I'll attend a birthday party, with a smile on my face, that things aren't as bad. They are wrong. I'll show my mom and my husband my pain, my grandma and grandpa too. But around anyone else, it's all an act.
I know that in many ways, I am blessed beyond measure. But some days it's harder to see that. I've always prided myself in being a person who looks more towards the positive than the negative. In almost any situation I can flipped things around to make it a good thing. Like I no longer have to deal with tampons and periods. BLESSING! But on days like today, I just need to allow myself to feel sad, to feel angry and to feel robbed. Sometimes, putting on the act is far more exhausting than dealing with the health problems. I don't want to put on an act today. I don't have the strength.
