Mother's Day is coming up. It's this Sunday. My brother, his wife and their 3 kids are going to be here at my moms.
Last Mothers Day I tried very hard to focus solely on the fact that I have wonderful women in my life. I have an amazing mother, a loving grandmother and a sweet mother-in-law. I tried hard to focus on these three women, and not that fact that more than likely, I will never hold their titles.
This year, I'm struggling to keep my focus on that. I think because my husband and I have now past our "2 year" mark in our marriage. Before we hit that mark, it was easy to say we wouldn't have kids anyways. The local adoption agencies wouldn't even talk to us until we had been married 2 years, and we had never planned to have a family that quickly after getting married. But this year is different. Now the adoption agencies would talk to us, we're a few months away from our 3 year anniversary, and I never imagined we'd wait much longer to start our family. So it's hitting me much harder this year.
My mom and I were talking about what we'd cook for meals while my brother and his family are here. My mom mentioned we needed to ask my sister-in-law as well, since it was her mothers day too. I realized in that moment that I would be the only woman this weekend that didn't have children. I would be the only one who wasn't a mother. That reality stung, a lot.
I can't believe I'm 27 years old and starting a family is so far outside our reach. It's just not plausible to think that even within the next 2 years we'd be financially ready, let alone have me healthy enough to make it work. Some people may say I'm being pesimistic, but I know our situation and I know our truth, and I just don't see it happening anytime soon.
We still haven't found a place to call home. I'm still at my moms and my husband is still at his brothers. It's hard to feel settled right now. And those emotions are just adding to the already emotional state I'm in.
I remember one person said to me once that she didn't want me to let this affect my life like some other family members had (my aunt also was unable to have children, and were never able to adopt)... but all that comment said to me was that no one gets this. No one has any idea what this feels like. It's so easy for people to say that it shouldn't affect things, that I should just move on and get over it. That I shouldn't miss family functions because there will be babies there, or whatever. I want so badly to tell these people that they should imagine sending their own children back to Heavenly Father... then see how it would affect them. Imagine taking your son or daughter, knowing that what you want most is to have them, and then just sending them back - never having your first moments together, never watching those first steps, never seeing their first smile, or watching them get ready for their first high school dance. Take the one person you love the most, erase them and the memories that go with them, and then tell me how you're supposed to go on with you life. I know I was supposed to be a mother, I know that I would make an amazing one. But the children that I've always dreamed off, had to be sent back, before they ever got here. I don't know how thats supposed to not affect me.
