Some days, like today, are hard. Some days, try as I might, I just don't understand how this has all happened. I don't understand the "WHY". Today I'm really sad, really really sad.
On Saturday, my husband and I went with my mom to a rodeo over an hour away. It was kind of an all day affair. Woke up in the morning, and started getting things ready with my mom. It was just like old times, when we'd get ready for one of my horse shows. I was LOVING it. It felt like I had my life back. During the hussle and bussle of getting everything ready, I fell. It was a really hard fall; smacked my neck, shoulder, forearm and knee hard against a wood pillar and then against the wood floor. I knew this fall would have harsh consequences, more so than just the bruises it left on my body. I knew that it would make the following day hard, on top of how consequences I'd already agreed to pay by helping get everything ready and attending the rodeo. You know what I can't stand more than anything, is that I have to pay to live my life. I have to pay for walking outside to give my horse a kiss. I have to plan to live my life. I know that if I decide to live it, I'll pay for it. And I have, I've been paying for it the last 3 days. If I want to go to a rodeo with my mom, I can't plan anything for a few days afterwards. How is that fair? Why should I have to plan to do simple things like feed my horse, or go shopping, or take a road trip. And then why do I have to pay for it afterwards, no matter how hard I plan?
So here I'm sitting. I can feel the tears filling up my body. I'm trying so hard to hold them in because I hate letting them win. I hate giving into the overwhelming sadness of all of this. I hate the hopelessness from it all. I hate feeling weak. But what I hate most is that I'm no longer the "me" I once was. I used to get up early every morning, and take in the fresh morning air. I loved it. I get that from my grandma. When I was little, we'd both be the first one's up... I love the smell of the morning, the quietness, the un-scared hope that lingers in the air. It's refreshing, it's renewing. I don't remember the last time I was able to partake of that beauty.
I miss my job. I miss everything about it. I miss the friendships. I miss the feeling like I was contributing something. I miss feeling like, while it wasn't the job I'd always dreamed of, it was a dream come true nontheless. I miss the expectations, the pressure, the demands. I miss walking into our front door at the end of a long day feeling like I'd accomplished something. I miss the happiness I'd hear in our clients voices when I was able to call and tell them their nightmare was over. I miss the adrenaline rush of negotiating with huge banks on behalf of families that had instilled their trust in me and my boss. I miss the relationship I had with my boss, I know it's unlikely I'll ever work for someone who tries so hard to do right by the people on his team. I miss my office. I miss all of it.
I miss my life. I miss being able to work with my horse, go shopping, and play with my dog all in the same day. Heck, I miss being able to simply get off the couch without help. Going up and down stairs, getting up from a sitting position, walking through the mall. These are all things I dread now. The simple act of standing up after sitting down brings me anxiety, I have to take several deep breathes before I actually do it because I know my body is going to scream at me for trying.
Some days, like today, I feel so incredibly broken.
