For those that don't live in our area, it's currently hunting season. Deer to be specific. And let me make boldly state that I HATE hunting. Like to the core. My dads a hunter, and when I'd go visit him in the summers, I would have nightmares about all the animals hung up all over his walls. I promised myself I would never marry a hunter, not because I have anything against my dad, but because I loath hunting. I don't see the point. And I'm a gigantic animal lover, I think they are a gift to us, and one that we should hold dear and cherish and allow to live naturally. Not kill for fun. Unlucky for me, I fell in love with a hunter (yes, I had many serious talks with myself about this, and my love for him won out over my hate for hunting) who comes from a "hunting" family. Every year there's a big lead up to the big "HUNT". So, for the last 3 weeks, my life has revolved around my baby sisters wedding, and the "HUNT". As I type, my husband is out on the deer hunt with his brother and a good friend of theirs. The point? There really isn't any LOL. Hunting isn't what this post is about at all... except for you to know that my husband is currently gone hunting.
So my husband isn't home, he stayed with his brother and sister in law the other night while they got everything ready and prepared to leave early the next morning. He called me late that afternoon, and told me that someone gave him $20 tip for a favor he did for one of his clients (no he's not a male prostitute, although I know it sounds that way). He told me that he was going to go out for dinner with that cash with his brother, sister-in-law and their "hunting" friend. I immediately felt sad, and told him I couldn't remember the last time he and I went out to dinner together, and asked why he didn't want to wait and use that money for us to go out together once he gets home. His response? "Babe, I try to go to dinner with you, you never feel good enough to go." OUCH! And the sad part? He's right. I get up in the mornings, and go straight for the couch, and remain in my pj's with my hair undone and my face "make-up-less" the entire day. If I do go outside, it's usually in my pjs, with my hair quickly put into a fresh ponytail and mascara smeared underneath my eyes. And the even sadder part, I don't care. I don't care that I don't get out everyday and see the sunlight. I don't care that I don't have a life. I don't SEE that my husband goes about his day, everyday, without me. I don't SEE that my entire day consists of switching between the couch and my bed, one blanket or two. I've completely given into these diseases that have taken over my body. They've won. I'm depressed, completely and utterly sad. I feel heartbroken all the time. I feel hopeless all day. These new medications I'm on make my body feel better, but they don't help my heart.
In fact, only one thing in this entire world has gotten me to fight through the pain and get out of bed on a regular basis. My horse. When my horse was injured, and needed me to take care of him. I got out of bed every single day and would get dressed and go clean the wound and change the bandage. When he went to the vets for his 10 day stay, I sat by his side for sometimes up to 6 hours. But the reality is that his vet bills, added to my medical bills, have completely wiped us out and a few weeks ago I was hit with the hard reality that I can't keep him. We don't have the money to keep him anymore. Our safety net is gone. I've been searching for a new home for him, I've asked two of our good friends, and posted an ad on our local internet classifieds. I've responded to dozens of emails, and even met with some people. But at the end of the day, either no one wants to feed an unbroke horse through the winter, or they don't have the space to keep an injured horse that has to have his own space to heal. At this point I don't know what to do. I have stopped going to see him... the gas is too much, on top of the heartbreak (instead of healing) that seeing him causes. Everytime I see him, I'm reminded of everything I've lost. There were 2 things I wanted in this life... 1. was to become an Equine Theriogenologist (horse reproduction specialist - I know, the irony right?) and own my own horses and facility and 2. was to have children. Both of these things have been taken from me. And for the life of me, I can't understand why. Why would God put these two dreams in my heart, these two dreams that I have planned and worked for, if He was just going to take them from me? My horse is the one thing that I will find the strength to get out of bed for, and yet it's been made impossible to keep him.
I just don't understand it. And I'm tired of not having the desire or will to fight through my pain and spend some time with my husband. It's not fair to him. But most of all, I'm tired of being heartbroken.
