Earlier today I attended the blessing of my newest niece, Maddie. She is just over a month old now, and in our church, babies are blessed as closed to birth as possible. Their daddies give them a blessing, in the middle of a circle of men (close friends and family members), each extending their right hand to hold up the baby and their left hand on the shoulders of the man in front of them. As I've mentioned before, baby blessings have been extremely hard for me since my hysterectomy. To watch these men go up and bless their beautiful children, knowing that my husband will never get this experience, and that I'm the one that took that experience from him, has been absolutely heartbreaking. I have missed countless friends and families babies blessings in the last 2 years. Including a niece and nephews. But today, I did it. I actually sat through the entire hour and ten minutes of Sacrament mtg and listened as my brother blessed his newest daughter. One of my other nieces sat on my lap, and distracted me enough that I didn't have a chance to really focus on what was happening, and let it go to my heart that we'd never experience it. Before I knew it, the blessing was over and I was still sitting there. I was shaking walking into the church and sitting there waiting, I tried to stay busy with my other nieces and nephew and I was so grateful that one of them took camp on my lap for those few minutes. I am very proud of myself, I haven't cried once, not even after and I can tell my husband is proud of me too. It was so important for me to get through this, and I'm so grateful Heavenly Father sat with me today and gave me the strength (and the distractions) to allow for it to happen.
My husband and I were out of town the last few days for my little sisters wedding and this baby shower. It was wonderful having my nieces and nephew around all weekend, it's rare I get that kind of time with them. I found myself "pretending" a LOT. I did my oldest nieces hair for the reception, and as I sat there curling her hair, I imagined I was curling my daughters hair. As I held my newest niece in my arms and rocked her to sleep, I imagined it was my daughter. As I got my nephew dressed in his slacks and white shirt, I imagined it was my son. When my husband saw me carrying the baby seat out to the car, with baby in tow, he asked if I wanted him to take it (I'm not supposed to be carrying anything that heavy)... I told him "No, I'm pretending. Just let me pretend for a minute." And so he did.
Up until this visit, I always loved my nieces and nephews as nieces and nephews. But this trip, I fell in love with them even more, and I understand now why so many people have told me that I can be an important figure in their lives. My oldest niece and nephew are to the age now that when they see me, they run up to me and jump into my arms. They kiss me on the cheek and tell me they love me, without being told too. I see now that I matter to them. I see now that I can add love to their lives with memories and laughter. I miss them so much, and we've only been away from them for a few hours. I want them closer to us. I want to be a more constant in their lives, and I see now that I can do that for them and for me, without taking away from what I've lost. Before it felt that if I allowed myself to get immersed in being an Aunt it would take away from the pain that I've felt, it would seem that the pain wasn't real anymore, and that people would think what I lost didn't matter to me anymore. I see now that I can love these sweet little ones, and still be sad over what I lost, and that if I let them, they can fill a void in my heart that no one else but them can fill. I'm sad that they live so many hours away, but I know that the distance will only make our visits that much more special to all of us. <3
