To those that know me best, I don't think it'll be a shocker to hear how much my faith has been tested over the past 2-3 years. I have many questions, I have many things that I just simply can't understand - no matter how many nights I lay awake trying to make them make sense. And trust me, I've spent a LOT of nights doing just that. These past 6 months have made this need for understanding that much stronger. Our lives have been completely flipped upside down. We had a large safety net in savings, and my husband was supporting us and all my medical bills, being the sole provider. We had recovered financially from what the hysterectomy did to our checking and savings account. We paid cash for everything except our cars and 4wheeler. We could go to Park City for the weekend without much thought. We could go to dinner every night with very little stress. To put it lightly, we were pretty comfortable. I guess thats maybe why Heavenly Father decided to shake things up a bit. Between our rental flooding, my medical bills, my geldings' injury and 10 day stay in the horse equivalent to the ICU, moving an hour North, loosing my job (due to my health), and having to start my husbands business pretty much from scratch - we have nothing left. We've been forced to sell many things that held significant sentimental value to both my husband and/or myself.
I think I've mentioned before that I've struggled greatly to pray since my Hysterectomy. I've tried a few times and just don't feel that I'm getting what I need to say "out" and I don't know that I necessarily feel that I'm being listened to. This has been disheartening because of my upbringing and as a member of a Christian faith. In my church, we are taught to go to God for all things. We are taught to pray multiple times a day: to have personal prayer, couples prayer with your spouse and family prayer (if you have children in your home). We are taught that if we pray, we will receive answers to those prayers albeit in His time and in His way. Lately, my husband has encouraged us to begin doing couples prayer again every night before bed. It's something that I'm thrilled to be doing again, I love the closeness it brings to our relationship. It makes me feel like we truly are in this together. But I still haven't prayed. My husband has encouraged me too, but I just can't get myself to do it. I simply don't know what to say, and the few times I've tried to pray, I usually break down in tears before the first sentence is out. As I've explained before, I can no longer go to church to feel peace. It's a place that brings me great anxiety since my experience with a past friends babys' blessing. It's a place that should feel safe, but doesn't.
Most recently we had a bunch of family in town... one of my uncles and aunts, and their two children came with my grandparents and stayed for 10 days. When my husband and I got engaged we received a call from my uncle asking us to consider if we would be my cousins guardians should anything ever happen to them. At the time, we still thought we'd have our own children, but had very little hesitation over accepting what we felt was such an honored request. We were humbled they would even consider us. Although we spoke several weeks after that phone call, and told them that we would be honored to accept that blessing should, heaven forbid, that ever be needed, nothing was ever made official. It's crossed my mind several times since my surgery if this is something both my uncle and aunt were still comfortable with. And I worried about any new concerns that may have arisen because of the situation we were now in (no financially, but with regards to no longer being able to have children). A few weeks prior to my families most recent visit, I got another call from my uncle asking us to make time for them to speak with us at length regarding this request. At the time the initial call was made, one of the things that was of utmost importance to them was that we remain active in our faith, and our testimonies of Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ stay strong. Knowing that we no longer attend church, I was concerned that they may have changed their mind about us taking on this very special role. When we finally did sit down with them and have that heart to heart, I was humbled that they were so understanding of my personal reasons for not being able to feel comfortable and safe inside a chapel or one of our Temples. There was no judgement, only concern that we still had a testimony in the basic beliefs of the church and that our testimonies were still pure. I walked away from this meeting feel relieved, and blessed. How wonderful to know that someone, well 2 someones, felt we were worthy of such a beautiful calling. During the weeks I had feared that they had changed their minds, I repeatedly told myself that if they had indeed decided to give that blessing to someone else, I certainly could never adopt. If my own family doesn't think I'm a good enough candidate to raise their children, how on earth would I ever be able to convince a complete stranger?
On the last night of my families stay, everyone (minus my husband, he was working) spent some time at Temple Square (for those that are not familiar with my faith, in Salt Lake City UT there is a large plot of land surrounding the Salt Lake LDS Temple which houses two visitors centers, a family history center, conference center, tabernacle, etc. which is open to visitors of any faith). Even in my hardened state, I can still feel that special feeling when entering this wonderful place. There is a peacefulness and calmness there that is unequaled anywhere else that I've been. We were enjoying a really wonderful visit as we travel amongst the various buildings. At the North Visitors Center, we met two sister missionaries (woman at the age of 19 are able to serve the church as missionaries for 18 months - men are able to serve for 24 months at age 18). My uncle had served a LDS mission in Australia, and one of the sister missionaries was from there so they sparked an instant repore. She suggested we go upstairs to where the Christus statue is and ask to be shown one of the presentations. Now, I have visited Temple Square many, many times throughout the years but for the life of me I couldn't remember which presentation they were talking about. After spending about 15 mins in front of the Christus statue, I began to feel the Spirit with me very strongly, and I could feel my heart opening up to the wonderfulness of His grace again. We then went in to view the presentation... it was a series of videos and each segment was shown in a different "room" that was decorated to bring you "into" the film. The first room was wonderful, and I instantly felt familiar with what they were showing us. I again felt my heart open to the Spirit and His love. I was emotional and feeling sad that I had questioned so deeply His love for me. But then we entered the second room... it was decorated as a little girls nursery, and once again I felt the feelings that had bombarded me 2 years ago when I sat in the Sacrament meeting (the general Sunday meeting where families meet together as a congregation) listening to all those babies being blessed. I instantly started sobbing. As soon as my grandmother entered the room, I heard her gasp. My mom and her walked over to me and held my hands as we watched that rooms video segment. It was all about what a blessing children are and what an honor it is to be given Heavenly Fathers children to look after and love and raise. I felt so betrayed in that moment. Once again, I had trusted that I would not be left alone and once again I felt fooled. After the presentation was completely over, I went outside, my mother in tow. I just couldn't stay there for another minute, and so we sat outside and waited for the rest of my family.
For the second time in my life, I felt completely and utterly alone as I grieved the loss of my little family that I will never know. A family that I had been allowed to dream of and love before they were ever mine. A family that I had been promised in my Patriarchal Blessing (a uniquely individual blessing that members of the LDS faith can receive if requested, think of it is a road map for their life). It was in that moment that I started to understand why so many of my Endo Sisters had given up on God all together after their hysterectomies. While I know in my heart I could never fully give up on Heavenly Father completely because I know in the depths of my heart just how real He is and I have a multitude of blessings to prove it, I, for the first time in my life, understood HOW they could do it and WHY they HAD do it. And that is a very scary place to be.
