When I was up tending my brothers kids, I got to have a lot of fun moments with them. There were many times I could literally see the little wheels moving inside their heads, it was a beautiful thing to see them using their knowledge to make sense of things, and to grow and learn each day.
There were also some very tender moments. Like when my little 16 month old niece woke up crying in the middle of the night, and I rocked her to sleep... she cuddled right into the crook of my neck and held onto me as I sang to her. It felt amazing to have the honor of making her feel safe and secure enough to fall back to sleep. Or when my oldest niece and nephew would beg me to come and do puzzles with them, it just wasn't fun to them unless I was doing it with them. Or when we'd all be playing and one of them would just burst into laughter with the brightest smile on their cute little faces. I loved those moments, I hope I never forget them.
There was also a bitter sweet moment. I was getting the kids ready for bed, we were all sitting down on the floor in their bedroom preparing to read a Bedtime Story, when out of nowhere, my niece says "I'm sorry you got sick before you could have your babies, my mommy told me you got really sick and now you can't have babies... when I come to your house, who will I play with?" Shoot a dagger through my heart, right? Then my nephew says "So, your bellys' gonna stay all shriveled up like that forever?" ... I had never really thought about the fact that my brother and his wife would have to, one day, explain why Aunt Amber didn't have children of her own. I have underestimated the intelligence of my sweet nieces and nephews. They are so much more aware of things going on around them than I had given them credit for. After a few moments past, I took a deep breath and replied, "Yes, sweetheart, I got really sick and my body will never be able to have babies and my tummy will stay shriveled up forever." Than my nephew replies, "So, your tummy will never get big like mommys' does when she has a baby? She's had lots of babies huh? One (pointing to himself), two (pointing to his older sister), three (pointing to his younger sister), and [Baby M] makes FOUR!" And then they both went back to getting ready for the bedtime story. It was a very tender moment, one that humbled me far more than most have since my hysterectomy. I was touched by their innocence. If an adult had been asking those straightforward questions it may have offended me, but my heart was softened at their pure interest and concern for my "broken tummy".
As I tucked them into bed that night, I gave them a few extra kisses and an extra long hug. Then after they'd fallen asleep, I tiptoed down the hallway and very quietly opened the bedroom door. They looked so peaceful, their eyes closed as their little minds danced away in dreamland. I said a little prayer in that moment that they would never know this type of pain. That their bodies would be healthy, and not let them down. It would kill me to see any of my sweet nieces and nephews have to deal with this heartbreak. And although I know everyone has to go through their own struggles, and they will most definitely go through their own, I hope they will remember these memories we made. I hope they will know that their Auntie Amber is always irrevocably in-love with them and that no matter where life takes them, I'm here for them, always.
