I'm sorry I've been so absent. I needed to take a break. Needed to just live my life without thinking about what we've lost... just for one day. But one day, became two, and then three, and then... now we're here, and while I'm glad I initially took that time, I am regretting taking so much of it. Because instead of it being healing, it's become overwhelming. I have so many emotions that are just boiling inside me - I need to get them out, I'm going to burst if I don't.
I thought this was supposed to get easier? What happened to "time heals all wounds?" Time isn't healing this. Every day that I wake up, it hurts more. These past several months have been HARD. Harder than I thought they could ever be. I don't know whats been triggering it, but I am so emotional about what we've lost. For first 2.5 yrs since my hysterectomy, I could control my emotions for the most part - or at least, I could predict them enough to keep myself out of situations I knew would be too much. Not anymore. All I have to do is sit, and just give myself one moment, and my body will be overwhelmed with sadness.
I have become innately aware that we are not parents. Maybe it's because it was so easy to say that "we wouldn't have children right now anyways" before... when we got engaged, we agreed on 3 yrs (well I remember the 3 yrs, the husband says it was 5... we'll settled for somewhere in between). We've been married 3.5 yrs though, and it's hard now because I know that we'd at least be discussing how to be ready. Instead we don't talk about it all. We don't talk about it in any amount of seriousness. We joke "if we adopt, you'll totally be the mean parent!" when I try to lay down the laws in our home or "if we adopt, you are going to be SO wrapped around our daughters fingers" when the Husband shows his inner teddy bear. Notice how it always starts with "if". Yup, that's a really big "if" right now.
I could be selfish, and blame that big "if" solely on my husband, but when I'm honest with myself I know that I'm placing it in front of our sentences just as much as he does. In fact, I'm probably doing it more.
I am absolutely *terrified* that I won't be able to love a child that isn't mine. So many people say "of course you will, you have so much love to give, look at how much you love your nieces and nephews. Look at how great you are with children." I completely understand what they are saying. Yes, I love my nieces and nephews - more so than I thought I'd be able to after my surgery, but I'm still terrified I won't have it in me to love a child as my own that isn't my own. I am terrified I don't have that strength.
I know that our parents want us to adopt, and I already feel like the ugly red-headed stepchild that can't give our parents grandchildren, so I want to even if the only reason is to not feel that heavy burden. But we can't make this decision for everyone else. We have to make it for us. And right now, I just don't know that it will ever feel right. I don't know that my Husband will ever be ready to really sit down and make a plan on deciding if it's right, and I don't know that I'll ever be able to say that I'm ready to love someone elses' child as if I never lost ours. Because that's how it feels. It feels like we lost all our children at the exact same time. It's not that simple, but that's how it feels sometimes.
Feeling guilty because you can't give your family members what should be so easy to give is a horrible thing to feel. No amount of medical expertise that we could afford will ever be able to make that possible for me. I feel like I have nothing to offer our families. It feel like a massive weight, a massive burden. I truly feel guilty for not being able to give my mother & mother-in-law more grandbabies, it breaks my heart knowing that because of my crappy body they are missing out too. Knowing that this loss doesn't just stop at the front door - but if affects so many that we love, is a very hard pill to swallow.
I have so much I need to get onto "paper" so I can make sense of it in my own mind, I'll be posting a lot within the next few days - possibly even more today, so I'm sorry if it gets a little tough to follow along.
