A dear friend from high school and I have reconnected (yes, honey - this ones for you!). Through Facebook we've learned of each others health issues, and we've started talking again. Her health issues are very different from mine - but the "chronicness" of both of our issues have allowed us to feel we have someone who understands, and while I'm so frustrated that we each have had to deal with our bodies' betraying us, I'm grateful we've gotten back in touch and can be a support to one another. I love this lady, and we have tons of really great memories together during those 4 yrs of high school, so I'm excited that we can continue our friendship =)
Because of the things her body has been going through the past several years, she's had to endure two heartbreaking miscarriages the past few months. This isn't something she's announced to many - but her and her husband have shared this news with close family members. Unfortunately, this morning she received a text from a family member who is aware of the losses she's had to endure recently (and over the past several years). This particular family member is currently pregnant and due in just a few weeks.
Now, let me preface this with that I understand pregnancy isn't all roses. I understand that it can be hard, and scary, and highly uncomfortable. I understand these things to the extent that I've seen many of my loved ones have intensely risky and dangerous pregnancies - my own mother almost lost her life giving birth to my older brother. I get it. I can't imagine that growing a human being inside you couldn't be those things.
HOWEVER, complaining about these things to a chronically ill person is not ok. Why you ask? Well because the majority of chronically ill people already go through all this every. single. day. It's not over in 9 months for us. We don't get a baby at the end of our suffering. So to call, or text, or email, or talk to a woman who has just lost 2 babies, or a woman who will never get the blessing of carrying her own babies, is just about the most cruel thing you can do. What exactly do you expect us to say? How are we supposed to respond to that?
And whats even worse, is that it makes US feel guilty. We feel bad because we don't know how to respond to it. We feel bad that we get sad (for us) hearing these things. We feel frustrated, because there's really no way to respond to those types of comments that would protect ourselves without making us look like a complete and total bitch. And yet all we're trying to do is kindly remind that we're *probably* not the best person to be talking to about these things (how is it we're even in the running for this role at all?).
I understand it would be a bit harsh for me to say that I don't think a pregnant woman has the right to complain (except in the case where the pregnancy could put the mothers or babies lives in danger, than you have EVERY right to complain - notice the caps, underlining, boldness & italics for that one?). So even though I think it's pretty pathetic for a pregnant woman to complain about swollen ankles, an achy back, feeling fat, etc - all I'll ask is that if you feel the need to focus on these things instead of the fact that you get to experience the incredible miracle that's taking place beneath your hearth - just, please, DO NOT COMPLAIN TO US!!! There is nothing about coming to women like us, and complaining about everything that's been robbed from us, that makes sense to me. It's cruel, and mean and heartless.
Can you tell its got me pretty upset? There's my rant.
Now, if one of "us" ask how you're feeling - feel free to be honest. We've opened ourselves up for that, we have to be prepared for the response... and from experience, I can honestly say, that if we ask that question we've probably emotionally already spent lots of time inside our own head preparing for the conversation that will most likely follow. Just please remember, that even then.. when we're trying to be considerate, and genuinely interested, it's still painful for us to even talk about it. We will smile, and try to show genuine and sincere happiness for you - and we ARE happy for you, but we are also heartbroken for ourselves.
